Everytime i think about that night...it all makes sense...well it made sense after i cooled off. What do i do from here?
I am an embarrassment, and something like that is pretty hard to make up. And a person like that, doesn't give people like me second chances.
Should i give up while i am ahead? Or should I man up, face my fear, and look rejection in the eye...one last time?
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
April Fools Day
A day for fools. I would celebrate this holiday because its, one not pagan, and two doesn't necessarily help the economy (non-hall mart). Quite frankly, it can either add to someone's misery or not--but end it all with a smile or chuckle.
I've noticed that my progression with my current attitude on life is slowly changing. Maybe it's the endorphens (or however you spell that shit) that are released when i exercise but i have been a bit more optimistic about life. Is it because I don't have a care in the world anymore?
Let us further investigate the stigma we call...paranoia. I lived a reckless life at one point...partying, drinking, smoking, sex and occasional drugs (mostly percs and vic's with the drinking) to a more conservative approach of basically school, work, gym, and occasional social gatherings to help spark my not so perfect social life outside of the 1st three mentioned.
I think thats what it really is...I had watched over my shoulder my whole life. When i made a mistake, someone let me know i fucked up or told me how to fix it...worried about my material possessions, unconscious feeling of social status, did certain things for other people...but myself. Why?
My weakness is not self-pleasure, its really the other way around. I think thats why I'm not a big baby...or stubborn...or envious...or jealous...i'm just a little anxious and panicky at times because i feel like im not pleasing everyone else's needs as well. That i am not good enough. That i can't play god, and tend to everyone.
Well, i think i found a solution to that problem. I need to slow down on caring so much. Need to start just playing it how it is...instead of playing it how you plan.
w/e i dont feel like typing anymore...i am just plain paranoid.
I've noticed that my progression with my current attitude on life is slowly changing. Maybe it's the endorphens (or however you spell that shit) that are released when i exercise but i have been a bit more optimistic about life. Is it because I don't have a care in the world anymore?
Let us further investigate the stigma we call...paranoia. I lived a reckless life at one point...partying, drinking, smoking, sex and occasional drugs (mostly percs and vic's with the drinking) to a more conservative approach of basically school, work, gym, and occasional social gatherings to help spark my not so perfect social life outside of the 1st three mentioned.
I think thats what it really is...I had watched over my shoulder my whole life. When i made a mistake, someone let me know i fucked up or told me how to fix it...worried about my material possessions, unconscious feeling of social status, did certain things for other people...but myself. Why?
My weakness is not self-pleasure, its really the other way around. I think thats why I'm not a big baby...or stubborn...or envious...or jealous...i'm just a little anxious and panicky at times because i feel like im not pleasing everyone else's needs as well. That i am not good enough. That i can't play god, and tend to everyone.
Well, i think i found a solution to that problem. I need to slow down on caring so much. Need to start just playing it how it is...instead of playing it how you plan.
w/e i dont feel like typing anymore...i am just plain paranoid.
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