and it hurts me...soul.

My mom can't feed me,


my boyfriend beats me


I have sex for money,


the hood don't love me


The cops wanna kill me,


this nonsense built me


And I got noooo place to gooo


They bomb my village,


they call us killers


Took me off they welfare,


can't afford they health care


My teacher won't teach me,


my master beats me


And it huuurts meee SOUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLL!!!

LOLz

I still get nervous...

Everytime i think about that night...it all makes sense...well it made sense after i cooled off. What do i do from here?

I am an embarrassment, and something like that is pretty hard to make up. And a person like that, doesn't give people like me second chances.


Should i give up while i am ahead? Or should I man up, face my fear, and look rejection in the eye...one last time?

April Fools Day

A day for fools. I would celebrate this holiday because its, one not pagan, and two doesn't necessarily help the economy (non-hall mart). Quite frankly, it can either add to someone's misery or not--but end it all with a smile or chuckle.


I've noticed that my progression with my current attitude on life is slowly changing. Maybe it's the endorphens (or however you spell that shit) that are released when i exercise but i have been a bit more optimistic about life. Is it because I don't have a care in the world anymore?

Let us further investigate the stigma we call...paranoia. I lived a reckless life at one point...partying, drinking, smoking, sex and occasional drugs (mostly percs and vic's with the drinking) to a more conservative approach of basically school, work, gym, and occasional social gatherings to help spark my not so perfect social life outside of the 1st three mentioned.

I think thats what it really is...I had watched over my shoulder my whole life. When i made a mistake, someone let me know i fucked up or told me how to fix it...worried about my material possessions, unconscious feeling of social status, did certain things for other people...but myself. Why?


My weakness is not self-pleasure, its really the other way around. I think thats why I'm not a big baby...or stubborn...or envious...or jealous...i'm just a little anxious and panicky at times because i feel like im not pleasing everyone else's needs as well. That i am not good enough. That i can't play god, and tend to everyone.


Well, i think i found a solution to that problem. I need to slow down on caring so much. Need to start just playing it how it is...instead of playing it how you plan.



w/e i dont feel like typing anymore...i am just plain paranoid.

Things i did over spring break.

Read.

Sleep.

Diet.

Gym.

Caught up on a few beats.

Sisters Play.

Work.

Masturbation.



Thats all. Back to Reality. =D

Ayoooo

Midterm week, holla. Then, 4 days of spring break = the gym. Need to get ready for the summer again. I went from 170 in late december to 155 now. So I'm trying to gain healthy weight and cut/trim my body...so 160 is my ideal weight for the summer.

This summer is for Vegas and the port of Miami.

Pictures of results coming soon.

Recent news about my future en devours

So, I have the credentials to transfer to Fordham. After my scheduled appointment with their admissions counselors, they decided not to accept 42 credits from me--leaving me to be a super freshman with 26 credits--and overall, making me stay in school longer. And they offered nothing, no money. However, housing would have been paid for though, with a meal plan, due to me probably finishing an EMT certification for both NY and NJ. However, 22,000$ a semester isn't my thing (3 years x 22,000 = um mm fuck that)...and being put in more then 40,000 debt just to achieve an undergrad is not worth it. Especially with how the economy is working with the ideology of "borrowing" ruining the value of the "dollar."

Surprisingly, NJ private schools give a ton of money, NJ public schools don't care (due to there government funding.) But I will say this again...I have a New York heart pumping New Jersey blood...a gift and a curse that leads me to hate certain aspects of both urban and suburban lifestyles.

So why am i blabbing about college so much...since I am not so obviously certain of when i am transferring (end of 08 or beginning of 09.) This is where politics, the ECONOMY, and being the "man" in the house come in.



Due to the recent speculation on borrowing en devours, it is harder for people with good credit to borrow. And with the loss of the Pell grant and other government funded free college money, it is harder to receive any type of help towards...per say a book i need for a class.




So here is what I am dealing with at the moment:

1) My mother can't afford the apartment we live in, even with my contributions anymore.
2) -reasons to the above can be due to the substantial debt my sisters disorders have left us as a family (the many hospital bills) and the fact that we had to change insurance's at least 3 times to be able to cover certain bills and clinical visits for her.
3) I also found out today, that the house in California we had originally owned and were about to move into but sold last minute...my mother is still paying the many "taxes" on its "mortgage" and to the "state" (yes politics)
4) My mother wants to move to her own apartment (yes a 1 bedroom or studio to herself)
-so what does that mean? My sister should be dorming, and i should be where? With my current situation, i don't know if i should stay in NJ and not let my mother suffer through "empty nest syndrome" type of symptoms, leave her alone, or just go out and dorm. And put myself in substantial debt that i can barely pay off...due to expenses and tuition being ONLY BORROWED MONEY?
5)Oh the NICOTINE WITHDRAWAL =D




Now, WTF do i do about this? I have until august to figure it all out, before our lease is up. Only reason i haven't really caught up on my hobbies (production, reading, and blah) is b/c of school and the future.





Look, Dick Gregory said it best: "I am not poor. Poor is a permanent state of mind. I am just broke...anyone can be broke, it just means that you don't have money at the moment. It's the type of mind state that only leads its bearer to just bite the bullet."



What ever school I pick, I am going to make the best of it. Good school or not. Momma ain't raise no fool. And there ain't no wishing me luck, its either being strong enough or not.

Shell

Yes, i know--its been a while for me. I can't believe I'm thinking about it still. Obviously not as big but still--I think about her. Certain thing's that we had talked about, I randomly hear or see; that puts me in the state of reminisce. I went wrong, she went wrong...unconsciously, we both panicked. I haven't courted anyone in a long time, and in all honesty i forgot how. I think i just should have let her know that i wasn't ready at the moment. But you guys know, when you find someone that has all the standards, expectations, qualities of what you have been looking for--after years of thinking about if you should even pursue a woman like that--that you might have just short changed yourself because of how the situation of you and her was handled. One thing, I tend to forget to tell people about my condition...with my high anxiety and major depression disorder...that I've been fighting for years without medication. Some people don't understand because they are naive or inexperienced with people like me. I have friends who understand because they've been there, are going through it, are medicated through it, or are in fields that relate to human problems. That and my friends have known me for a while...so they just know. It's understandable why, she would just cut me off like that. Shit, If i never knew anyone like that I would be sort of...you know...freaked out. I'd be scared too. Since hiding something like that, is sort of lying about who you are.

But there is a difference about hiding what you have, and trying to fix it--to eventually become who you really are. There was a lot of things i said to her that was really from me. That, i haven't really told a lot of people. It's sort of hard to show that you have let go. Expecially being someone like me.

Holden Caulfield said it best himself, "Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."

Ironically, she was great like unbelievably on point with what i was looking for. We both couldn't handle each other though. I wish I met her later on in my life. Now was not so great. Maybe, later.

Just kind of sad we stopped the late night talking. Can i add that she could conversate?

=)

=(

Febuary is here!

Yes, and I am now a huge fan of Amy Winehouse.

I just uploaded the song In my bed on this page.


I swear to you...most r&b artists should go neo-soul instead of this industry crap. I forgot how it felt like to listen to someone who is actually expressing themselves! I mean, i know she's a cocaine addict and depressed/anxiety disturbed like I ; but she is speaking from a tortured soul. Which is the difference between people who express themselves because they think its the "cool or trendy" thing to do...when in actuality the people who do express themselves use it therapeutically and overall have no outlet to do anything else.


why of course all the best artists and writers are fucked up, i think its normal to be fucked up and abnormal to be not so fucked up. rather hear someone who went through a struggle then someone who has seen struggle. get me? yea.

just listen to Amy Winehouse - in my bed...its too good.

El beats.

Currently, I am looking for a studio or predominantly an indie label. I have been asked by a few small studios in the Paterson area and such but i dont know them too well. I know a few heads in manhatten but the trip is too far. I think it all depends on my showcase really. It's not like i have a huge selection of beats...after my harddrive fried a few months ago...i've been trying my ass off to recover shit and it was impossible.

So the last month, i have started from scratch...also with my life from scratch as well...alot of changes. Sort of like an drug intervention except with music and shit...and you know how those go on a&e. haha.

Well, theres one place i know from a while back...who is willing to fund any project of mine. Maybe i'll do something independent and distribute independent...the new jdilla donuts but my way.


word iunno ha

Current state of hiphop fashion.

Is way too out of control. Who in there right mind would wear this in public. Your asking to get robbed then killed. But hey, your making your statement right?





As Ghostface would say in his latest book:

"Yo, you niggas need to stop copping jewels from the back of the source. Yous gonna get robbed or even killed for them 5 dollar jewels. Nigga gonna get it appraised and find out he killed you for a pack of ciggarettes."


hahaha thats a big ass box tho hahaha

Thinking of new idea's.

Currently i've been in a slump when it comes to producing new shit. Maybe its the semester and all the other stresses in life i've been having. I've picked up an incredible reading habit and during my break i must have read about 5 books in 4 weeks...wtf?!

yea taking a break...maybe i'll have an idea for a project in the future. hopefully!

Winter break is over.

And that means, that the spring semester is here. Time to clean shop...or my room. Throw away some vynils that dont work anymore...maybe throw out some shit in my closet i dont wear anymore. It is also a season of new beginnings. Maybe i'll pick up a good habit...i dont know...maybe more studying.

yea that sounds like something that sucks.
oh and btw im picking up a new watch hopefully =)

Winter Break.

Well, I sort of went m.i.a. with the music for a while. I sort of lost inspiration due to the school workload. Yes, spending all your time on finals, papers, and all that will deplete the time you spend on your own music. I currently can't sleep, and I just remembered about this blog. One thing that goes with all music is the sense of hearing. Listening is key to inspiration. And lately...there hasn't been anything great to listen to. No offense to these artists but everything is sounding so repetitive lately. Maybe, I'll listen to the old Rawkus Records Soundbombing Mixtapes and Teddy Pendergrass for some new shit. Either or...I'd rather read then listen anymore.


Currently listening to: Lord Finesse!