Shell

Yes, i know--its been a while for me. I can't believe I'm thinking about it still. Obviously not as big but still--I think about her. Certain thing's that we had talked about, I randomly hear or see; that puts me in the state of reminisce. I went wrong, she went wrong...unconsciously, we both panicked. I haven't courted anyone in a long time, and in all honesty i forgot how. I think i just should have let her know that i wasn't ready at the moment. But you guys know, when you find someone that has all the standards, expectations, qualities of what you have been looking for--after years of thinking about if you should even pursue a woman like that--that you might have just short changed yourself because of how the situation of you and her was handled. One thing, I tend to forget to tell people about my condition...with my high anxiety and major depression disorder...that I've been fighting for years without medication. Some people don't understand because they are naive or inexperienced with people like me. I have friends who understand because they've been there, are going through it, are medicated through it, or are in fields that relate to human problems. That and my friends have known me for a while...so they just know. It's understandable why, she would just cut me off like that. Shit, If i never knew anyone like that I would be sort of...you know...freaked out. I'd be scared too. Since hiding something like that, is sort of lying about who you are.

But there is a difference about hiding what you have, and trying to fix it--to eventually become who you really are. There was a lot of things i said to her that was really from me. That, i haven't really told a lot of people. It's sort of hard to show that you have let go. Expecially being someone like me.

Holden Caulfield said it best himself, "Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."

Ironically, she was great like unbelievably on point with what i was looking for. We both couldn't handle each other though. I wish I met her later on in my life. Now was not so great. Maybe, later.

Just kind of sad we stopped the late night talking. Can i add that she could conversate?

=)

=(